My Child has anxiety
Anxiety is a fact of life. Children know that they are vulnerable, and also know that they need attentive parents to protect them from harm. If they had the choice, they would be content to let their parents manage all of the things that might make them feel anxious. Given that anxiety is a fact of life, it’s more important for children to learn to recognize and manage anxiety, not to be protected from feelings of anxiety.
Anxiety serves an important purpose: it helps is to focus our minds when we are in a situation of danger, or when our welfare (such as personal safety, food, shelter, positive relationships) is at risk. Anxiety spurs us onwards to make sure that we can make the changes we need to make, so that we can survive and be healthy.
That said, anxiety is no longer so useful when there is no immediate danger, and when food, shelter, and positive relationships are not at risk. In fact, the experience of anxiety can be harmful and interfering when it’s too intense, especially when there are no actions that need to be taken to assure safety and welfare.
So, even though parents have to protect children when there is a risk to their welfare, it does not follow that parents need to protect their children from the experience of anxiety. Rather, what parents (and other adults) need to do is to help children understand what it means to be anxious, and how to respond when there are feelings of anxiety.
Learning to manage anxiety goes smoothly when the child has positive relationships with key adults and when there is no risk of harm to their welfare. Many of the routine tasks and situations of childhood can make children feel anxious. Children commonly feel anxious when they have to be cared for by non-familiar adults, when they have to meet new people, or when they are placed in an unfamiliar situations or setting. Children might worry when they hear a siren ring, worry about the dark (and the burglars and monsters that show up when it’s dark). As they get older, they might worry about germs, illnesses, or a parent dying. As children age into the school age years, they might develop performance anxiety (fear of speaking in front of the class, or fear of not completing their homework). All of these experiences of anxiety are part of childhood and need to be managed and mastered.
Essential skill: self-regulation
What does it look like when children are able to regulate their anxiety successfully? successful self-regulation includes an approach such as the ones listed below.
Labeling. Self-regulation begins with having a name for the feeling, and being able to discuss that feeling. Children do not have words for their feelings until adults teach them those words. You can teach your child speaking with your child about anxiety. For example, you could say: I think you are feeling nervous, or, I think you are feeling scared. Or, you can ask: What is the word for the feeling you are having? Are you having worries? fears? do you feel panicky? Is there a knot in your stomach? It can take a few years for children to understand these different terms for anxiety. Labeling the feeling is the first step towards understanding and managing the feeling. Starting with the label is often a good start. If your child does not have strong language skills, try using a photo or a picture of an anxious-looking face. when you show the face, your child can potentially choose the right picture or photo to tell you what they’re feeling.
Information. When your child is anxious or worried, it’s important for them to know when they can manage their anxiety, versus when an adult needs to help them manage their anxiety. Create some parameters for them to understand the difference between familiar situations and settings where they might need to manage their anxiety on their own or with some help from yhou. Then, create some parameters when an adult might need to step in to change the situation or setting, so that the child is no longer anxious.
Soothing. Children may need strategies to identify their anxiety, and then address their anxiety. Chldren can learn to label their feeling, find an adult to help them feel better (e.g. through physical touch such as a hug or a cuddle). They may need to discuss their feelings with the adult before they feel less anxious. this is referred to as ‘co-reagulation.’ depending on the situation or setting, the child may also ned to be taught ‘self-regulation.’ what this means is that they do not use adult support right away. instead, they might use a sensory-based strategy such as hugging a soft toy, or going to a place where they feel safe and where they can calm themselves. Sometimes, they might need a reminder of the schedule (‘first-then’). Knowing when a preferred activity is coming up (or, knowing when your parents will return) is helpful in reducing anxiety.
Physical touch (hug, cuddle) can help to reduce anxiety. speaking in a low voice can help, even if you’re talking about what you’re going to do later in the day. the child needs to feel the process of feeling anxious and then feeling calm. they might need adult support initially, but over time they can find their own preferred strategies for calming themselves. soothing can occur when basic ingredients are in place, with co-regulation, and eventually using self-regulation.
Capacity to participate in everyday activities. When self-regulation is in place, children not only can diminish feelings of excess anxiety- they can also participate in everyday situations and settings. They can complete tasks, participate in family and classroom activities, and socialize with adults and peers.
what it looks like when self-regulation is missing or under-developed.
All of the strategies listed above are useful for managing anxiety, especially in situations and settings where physical safety, health (food), shelter (a consistent home), and welfare (positive relationships) are not at risk. Returning to the strategy listed above, you and your child need to know when anxiety is due to situations or settings that our outside of your child’s control, and when they may need adult support to change the situation or setting so that they no longer need to feel anxious.
Regulation of anxiety starts with these basics: feeling safe or not feeling threatened, having food to eat on a consistent schedule, having a consistent place called home, and having positive relationships with adults (even just one!). It’s much harder to teach regulation of anxiety when these four ‘basics’ are not yet in place. That said, some children experience anxiety even when safety, food, shelter, and positive relationships are clearly already in place. Let’s look at these different situations more closely. Anxiety can be:
Too intense for age: The child is showing anxiety that’s not appropriate for their developmental age.
Too intense for the situation or setting: the child is showing anxiety in a situation or setting where there is nothing to fear
When regulation of anxiety is under-developed, it prevents the child from successful participation in everyday situations and settings. Your child might freeze, remove themselves from a situation, not interact with adults or peers. They might also cry, or become hyperactive and try to run away. They might be clingy, upset, demanding or even aggressive when they’re anxious. When self-regulation skills do not develop as expected, the child will show anxiety more often than expected, for longer than expected, and for situations and settings where it’s not expected. The anxiety may occur more often and for longer periods even when the child is provided with reassurance from an adult. The child may end up showing avoidant behaviors. When children do not develop self-regulation successfully, they commonly depend too much on co-regulation. Sometimes, they do not respond to the adult’s efforts to soothe/ co-regulate.