Refusals, disruptive behaviors, and self-regulation
The skills needed to enhance cognitive flexibility are amongst the most challenging skills for children to master. They are also one of the most challenging skills for adults to teach.
why is this so hard?
teaching flexibility is challenging because flexibility is dependent on more than just shifting cognitive set. Cognitive flexibility is dependent upon the skill of shifting cognitive set, but is also dependent on a general understanding of environmental demands and expectations, language to discuss those expectations, and self-regulation (the capacity to reduce frustration through soothing). let’s look at these more carefully:
Shifting cognitive set. You will know that your child is struggling with shifting cognitive set when they show sluggish responsiveness or refusal behaviors across situations and settings. When children show sluggish responsiveness, rigidity or refusals in one situation or with one person only, it’s less likely a disability-related behavior and more likely a learned behavior or task avoidance behavior.
Language. Language and limited language make it harder to show cognitive flexibility. Many children with language impairment, who struggle to articulate their inner experiences, may show refusal behaviors in response to adult demands. They may also struggle with understanding routine task and scheduling expectations.
Self-regulation. Self-regulation is a third important aspect to consider. Some children struggle with cognitive flexibility even when motivators are present. In the midst of play, or even when the next activity on the schedule is a visit to the ice cream store, they persist in showing refusal behaviors until they are ready to make the shift. Perhaps more commonly, children struggle with shifting cognitive set when they are feeling frustrated or anxious. When emotions are running too high, they struggle all the more with being flexible.
Adult reactivity. Many of us have a negative reaction to the child refusal behaviors discussed here. the emotional outbursts that so often accompany set-shifting demands feel disrespectful and even a bit toxic! Peers and adults alike can have a negative response to these refusal behaviors. Our own frustration can get triggered when we are faced with refusal behaviors in a child, especially when those refusal behaviors seem to never improve or go away. But think carefully about the impact that adult reactivity can have to the student’s learning. Adult reactivity is yet another aspect to refusal behaviors that needs to be acknowledged, identified, and addressed. As long as adult reactivity persists, so too will difficulties in shifting cognitive set persist in the child. While the adult’s frustration is 100% understandable, it’s still one of the factors that (like, limited language, limited comprehension of the daily expectations, and limited self-regulation) prevents the inflexible child from becoming more flexible. At times, adult reactivity reflects the same reactivity and inflexibility that we see in the child.
deeper dive
even though refusal behaviors and difficulty wtih shifting cogntiive set is the main essental skill of this chapter, it’s important to recognize that refusals can occur for more than reason
However, intense emotions and limited language skills can also be the cause for refusals and disruptive behaviors. As you read further along in this chapter, you’ll realize the refusal behaviors present a ‘chicken and egg’ problem to solve. Most refusal and disruptive behaviors come from one or more of the following three challenges.
Big emotions Children who struggle to switch gears are often very emotional. Here, there’s a ‘chicken and egg’ situation. Asking a child to be flexible can provoke frustration and big emotions. But frustration and big emotions reduce flexibility. intense emotions make flexible thinking very difficult. This statement is as true for children as it is for adults. it’s also as true for children who may have a disability as it is for children who do not have a disability. You cannot solve a problem when you are overwhelmed. Neither can your child.
Limited language Some children struggle with flexibility because of their limited language skills. They may simply not have the words to describe what they are feeling. They cannot say "I'm frustrated" or "Slow down” or “I’m scared.” Without those words, the only tool they have is their behavior. As language skills grow, behavior problems often shrink.
When Emotions Are the Main Problem
Flexibility requires a calm and focused nervous system. When a child is over-excited, anxious, or frustrated, flexible thinking is not available to them. This is true for adults too.
When big emotions are getting in the way, the first job is to help your child calm down — before trying to solve the problem or change the behavior. A child who is in emotional overload cannot think clearly, and pushing harder at that moment usually makes things worse. Once they are calmer, flexibility becomes possible again.
Reducing Demands — Without Lowering Expectations
When your child is overwhelmed, it often helps to temporarily make the task easier or break it into smaller steps. This does not mean giving up on what you expect from your child. It means finding another path to the same goal.
For example: if your child refuses to clean their whole room, you might say "Let's start with just the floor." The expectation — a clean room — stays the same. The path to get there becomes more manageable.
The Bottom Line
Refusal and disruptive behaviors are usually a sign that your child is struggling — not that they are choosing to be difficult. Their brain needs more time, or their emotions are too big, or they do not yet have the words to ask for help. Your job is to slow down, stay calm, and help them find a way through. When you model flexibility, you teach it